So It's New Year and I continue to be long-winded...:)

WOW!! Here we are in 2010. As many of you are doing I am looking back over the last year at so many things that have happened in my life. Celebrations-like the birth of our sweet Carrington Grace on 2/23/09 – can’t believe she will be 1 soon…my beloved and I also celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary on 3/26/09! We also had a few other life changing events…one many of you know of…I was diagnosed with Stage 4, metastatic, inflammatory breast cancer on 8/25/09 and then my precious one started preschool about 2 weeks after that – I remember being so worried he wouldn’t be able to make it without his mommy – lol. I am thinking he didn’t ask for me once…he might have asked for daddy but not for me – now what is that all about ! Anyways, he is fine as the first Saturday after school started, he cried because he couldn’t go!So now we are here….and I just wanted to share with you what’s going on in my head and my heart and my body if you care to know! I had a big chemo – treatment number 17 - the Tuesday before Christmas and it literally put me down for the most part and there were a few crazy things that happened that kind of stressed me out! Like after my Carboplatin bag…I had a coughing fit and my voice became raspy and I felt like my throat was closing…so they called in the head nurse and another nurse and they said that an allergic reaction usually happens after the 6th treatment with Carbo(I only take these on big treatments) and that I would probably not be taking it anymore – whoa, whoa…I am like I have 2 more big treatments and I have to have it!!!! I did mention to them that I had the same kind of closing in the throat thing a few nights before just randomly and I had not taken any Carboplatin then. So the nurse gave me extra Benadryl and something else to help AND it did…they always give me Benadryl before…this time I just needed extra so I am thinking they can do that just for the next 2.dontcha think! The nurse also said that when I see my Doc next(I usually only see him days of big treatments) to be sure to mention what happened without meds as well! The nurses at Carolina Oncology rock, I must add along with the receptionists and the phlebotomists – oh and of course my doc…they are all my friends, although sometimes I think they might think I talk too much - lol!! I do enjoy chatting with other “chemo friends” there and hearing their stories and then seeing each other again and again to see how we are all doing – once in the early treatment days – listen to me like I am some kind of chemo pro – lol…anyways, I met this lady and told her where my cancer was and she said that she had been coming for 20 years b/c her cancer kept coming back and I was like …not encouraged, but then she told me of her friend that has liver cancer and that it has never gone away that the docs just have it under control and it has been 7 years, that encouraged me although selfishly I want mine to be gone and never come back. That day I needed to hear what she was saying – I think God sent her my way to give me some encouragement! Wow…I digressed a bit from telling you about my chemo treatment crazies the big chemo before Christmas – Sooooo then I was on my last bag (I take 3 bags of chemo on big treatment days) the machine kept beeping and it stopped dripping AND that was scary…I kept thinking oh know my port is not working and I am going to have to go have tests run or I have some kind of clot…why I seem to think the worst – who knows. So just one more thing about that day – on big chemo days I am in a private room in a hospital bed so I wake up and EMS is picking up the lady in the room next to me…in my chemo brain for a second I was like have they come to get me b/c the way the rooms are set up…he had to bring the bed thing in my room to be able to get it into the other room! I pray that sweet lady is ok whatever may have happened!!!! That has only happened one other time when I was there for a herceptin only treatment and I saw the nurses running down the hall with one of those machines that you get the heart to start beating again...at this moment I cannot think of what it is called! But the reason seeing that heart thing is scary is b/c apparently the Herceptin MAY weaken your heart - but we shall see because God has got it covered no matter the case with me! Anyways, the beeping thing and the drip stopping on my last big chemo ended up being the tubing that the bag was attached to – Thank you Lord!!I am so thankful that my mother came to stay with me until I was strong enough to take care of my babies!! Ya’ll these big chemo’s are getting hard. In the beginning I know I was like I can do this and I still can as God carry’s me through AND I am not telling you all this for you to feel sorry for me – a prayer would be nice…just sharing! Let me tell you the nausea meds stop working and the only ones to take would put me to sleep and I cannot get up and make a bottle without having to take a nap afterwards. Then you have all the lovely other side stuff that goes with it – like being in the bathroom every 30 minutes for about a week along with a few others I will save you from having to hear about- sorry if that was tmi. I must say again…I am not trying to sound like Negative Nelly….just a glimpse into my crazy life – but if it weren’t crazy and dramatic…it wouldn’t be me – HA! So we had a nice Christmas at home with snow still on the ground and my parents were here…just low key! It was nice! PS – Isn’t that cool God gave us snow for Christmas this year!OK… a few more random things to share…I just can’t help it…Our Christmas was nice but I will tell you that Satan will get in your head and try and tear you down…like there were moments during Christmas week where a few tears were shed in me thinking...is this my last Christmas or here I am bald at Carrington’s first Christmas not being able to play with my kids b/c I am so weak and have to rest so much. Well, let me just get over myself and out of that crazy pity party that sometimes once it starts just snowballs into craziness!!!!!!! I mean it is so not about me anyways, let me not lose focus of WHO I am living for while He allows me to be here! Goodness, girl(that is me talking to myself)! But even in our feeling sorry for ourselves, God sends His encouragement in His word if we are looking for it in the right places – I pray I do not lose sight of where to look for encouragement – not in the world, but in the WORD! So let me just share with you some verses He showed me if you will- Acts 2:26-28(The Message) “I saw God before me for all time, Nothing can shake me; he’s right by my side. I’m glad from the inside out, ecstatic; I’ve pitched my tent in the land of hope. I know you’ll never dump me in Hades; I’ll never even smell the stench of death. You’ve got my feet on the life-path, with you face shining sun-joy all around.” I know that we will all die one day, but friends I am going to a place of celebration – when it’s time –the desire of my heart is to HOPEfully spend some more time here with my family before I go!!!!! My favorite part in the verse is “I’ve pitched my tent in the land of hope.” I love it – there is hope for the sick – God has the final say and I need not worry about when that is going to happen b/c that steals away the time I have today to be with my family and to live for HIM!!!! Another thing is I am giving God a Year, I mean I have been a believer since I was little and gave my life to Him, but as any child I am disobedient to Him – a lot. For example, having a real intimate quiet time of really reading His word and really praying, instead of just doing it just to get through it to say I did it- sad huh?!? I don’t do this all the time, but when I miss a day b/c it happens…it tends to snowball and then I’ve gone an entire week of only shooting up a prayer here and there or just at bedtime and/or meals and the relationship that I want with my Heavenly Father – well, that just don’t cut it! How would that help me get to know the very ONE in charge of my life who loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me, but yet I can’t get to know Him!!!!! CRAZINESS! Here is what I mean about Giving God a Year. I have been reading a book that my mother was given by a family friend – It is called Give God a Year, Change Your Life Forever by Carole Lewis. So I have taken a few pointers from in it in giving God a year! I will Pray and Obey! From Mrs. Lewis’ suggestion – I have gotten a index card and on one side wrote God’s Part(these are things out of my control I will pray about) in which I wrote 5 things…a few are to be healed from cancer, not worry so much(I obviously can’t do this one), then on the other side I wrote My Part(these I will obey)….and on there,along with a few other things, I put to do my bible study, pray and read the word before I read anything else(like FB, the paper, a magazine, etc)…even if I get up late and put on Praise Baby for my kids minds to be renewed – I will renew my mind at the same time and in doing so be a better wife and mother for that day anyways! I can always tell a difference when I have my quiet time in the person I am for the day…and I am pretty sure others can tell the difference as well – lol! Mainly, my Beloved who tends to get the brunt of my ugliness and he of anyone deserves that in the very least!!!!!!!!!So here is my life right now and what is going on with me.TWO more big treatments and then more tests to see what it is doing on the inside and then back to Duke at the beginning of March…so taking it one day at a time to be part of what God has in store!!!! Pitching my tent in the Land of Hope, Catherine